The Busyness Barrier
Years ago, our family spent a day in Washington, D.C. as part of our summer vacation. Not wanting anything to go wrong, I decided to drive toward Arlington Cemetery the night before to scout out the area where I would be parking the car. Everything went fine. I was now ready to lead us into our new adventure.
The next day I moved out into the rush-hour traffic with an abundance of confidence that my prearranged plans were flawless. Nearing our destination, I merged into the turning lane only to discover that someone had placed brightly colored wooden barriers in my path. “Where did those things come from? They weren’t there last night!” The next thing I knew, the Lincoln Memorial, which had only been an intriguing structure in photographs, was directly in front of me. I was now driving into what the travel books described as hostile territory for first-time visitors.
Barriers have a way of popping up unexpectedly in many areas of our journey through life. Marriage is no exception. In our quest for the intimate marriage — a relationship where there is a sense of being unconditionally accepted, valued, understood, and appreciated – barriers spring up to deter us. They cool the fires of a warm and glowing relationship.
One prime barrier to intimacy is busyness. The pressures and responsibilities of our world can easily snare us into what Howard Hendricks calls “marriage morbidity” — living together without closeness. As we scurry about to accomplish the mundane, we begin to take each other for granted. A marriage will fall apart if the only time the couple sees each other is when they are worn out. Chuck Swindoll wrote, “Busyness rapes relationships. It substitutes shallow frenzy for deep friendship. It feeds the ego but starves the inner man. It fills a calendar but fractures a family.”
To overcome this barrier you must first evaluate your priorities in life. The “busyness barrier” is usually the result of our pursuit after materialism, prominence, and the selfish desires of the flesh. What are your priorities in life? What is important to you? How do the choices you make reflect your values?
Monitoring the level of involvement in activities outside the family will help to keep busyness in check. Participating in activities with other people is a healthy component of our development as mature individuals. However, over involvement can strip you of precious time and energy that should be directed toward your marriage. I suggest you include plenty of time for activities that bring you and your mate together, rather than fragment your relationship. Developing areas of commonality will result in a growing intimacy.
Jay Kesler, a popular speaker and leader of Youth for Christ, discovered there was not enough time for his work, his marriage, his children, and personal leisure time. The result was that certain activities (such as golf, which takes hours away from home) were impossible at that time in his life. He decided to spend his personal time at home where he was close to his wife and family. He did gardening and yard work with his wife. Woodworking projects were done in his home shop in small snatches of time or alongside his son.
Planning time together is crucial to developing intimacy. When you are busy, there is a tendency to overlook the important people in your life. One couple in a marriage seminar said that they mark out time for each other on their calendars. This can be done on a weekly or monthly basis. Another couple reserves the same day or night each week for a planned time together. Some couples wash dishes together as they share their thoughts and life events. Others rise early in the morning to spend private moments together.
The health of your marriage is vitally important. Overcome the barriers to an intimate marriage by taking the time to know each other. Make yourself busy building an intimate relationship with your spouse. That is pleasing to the Lord.
QUESTION: What are you doing to keep your marriage fresh?
