Preventing the Death of Your Marriage

A woman had gone through four marriages. First, she married a millionaire, then she married a film producer, then she married a butler, and then she married a funeral director. Somebody asked, “Why did you marry all of those guys?”  She said, “Well I married 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to go!”

That story makes me chuckle every time I read it. However, the reality of multiple marriages and divorces is no laughing matter. The consequences of divorce have invaded every bracket and strata of our national life. Moreover, our Christian families are not immune. Many who are experiencing this tragedy today never dreamed it would happen to them.

A divorce is the public, legal declaration of the death and disintegration of a relationship. It is the tearing apart of two people who have become one. Doris Mae Golberg captures the devastating effect of this division here:

I have lost my husband, but I am not supposed to mourn.
I have lost my children; they don’t know to whom they belong.
I have lost my relatives; they do not approve.
I have lost his relatives; they blame me.
I have lost my friends; they don’t know how to act.
I feel I have lost my church; do they think I have sinned too much?
I am afraid of the future,
I am ashamed of the past,
I am confused about the present.
I am so alone,
I feel lost.
God please stay by me,
You are all I have left.

My heart breaks for those who must grapple daily with the catastrophic fallout of divorce. No easy solutions exist for the pain and alienation that result. One thing of which I am convinced: the church must provide a healing environment of love, acceptance, and forgiveness to those who are living in the after math of marital death.

I am also convinced that we who are married must do all that is possible to prevent the demise of our relationships. Some discord in marriage is inevitable. There is conflict in the best of families. Nevertheless, we can guard against the heartbreak of a domestic tragedy as we follow a few simple guidelines.

• Happiness and contentment in marriage will be determined largely by the degree to which each partner simultaneously works for success. Marital success is never automatic and never accidental. It is more than the gift of God. It is the achievement of a couple that diligently desires success and dedicates their energies to that end.
• A couple that works through their inevitable difficulties and trials will greatly increase their marital prosperity. We fall on our faces when we fail to anticipate the certainty of relational difficulties or fail to respond properly to those difficulties. Your response will either drive you apart or bind you together. Success is attainable when you move through these periods without rejecting or withdrawing from your spouse.
• Successful married couples accept the imperfections of their spouses and pray for God’s forgiveness and grace to help. The Bible pointedly proclaims, without apology, that we all fall short to some degree (Romans 3:10, 23). Each of us has married someone who stumbles in many ways. Marital triumph is assured as you accept the humanity and fallenness of your spouse, and pray for God’s grace and help for both of you.
• A companion to the previous principle is that successful couples practice forgiveness as the technique for dealing with offenses in marriage. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 NIV). To forgive is to choose to refuse to cultivate feelings of hostility. It is a deliberate decision to put away resentment or punishment. Forgiveness is not impossible. To say, “I can’t forgive you” really means “I won’t forgive you.”  Forgiving your partner diffuses the conflict and builds a marriage that lasts.

The death of a marriage can be prevented.

Question:  What are you doing today to bring joy into the life of the one whom you have chosen as a lifelong companion?