Joe operated on the assumption that if the pilot light goes out, the furnace won’t heat. If the love is gone, it’s gone. Many people like Joe feel that when the emotion vanishes, the marriage is over, terminated, finished, kaput.

A lasting marriage is energized by a steady flow of a special kind of love between partners. I call it a “Christ-like love.” It is the same kind of love described in 1 Corinthians 13.

Christ-like love is realistic, whereas romantic love is idealistic. God loves us even though He knows us thoroughly. He loves us despite our faults and sins. We read in Romans 5:8 these words: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” For Joe and Carol’s marriage to persevere, they must accept each other’s inability to perfectly fulfill all of their expectations.

Christ-like love is basically willful. God willfully chose to love us. This kind of love is not without emotion, but it doesn’t depend on emotion. It involves a choice. Marriages that persevere and thrive are those where spouses choose to be patient and overlook insignificant issues. They choose to forgive and release grudges in order to build a hedge of protection around their love.

Another characteristic of Christ-like love is that it is sacrificial. The Apostle Paul writes: “Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). That is a one-way kind of action: giving with the possibility of not getting anything in return. During times of stress or sickness, one spouse may be demanding more than he/she is supplying. It will take some sacrificial loving to get over those spots.

Christ-like love is something you do. It is motion, not just emotion. You decide to be kind, patient, trusting, even when you don’t feel love for your spouse. Joe was able to save his marriage by applying this principle.

Charles Sell tells a story that is too good to be true. But it does teach a very important lesson. A man hated his wife so much he desperately wanted out of the marriage. He described the situation to the divorce lawyer. “Do you hate her that much?”, the lawyer questioned. “Yes,” the man confirmed his contempt. “Would she like a divorce?” asked the lawyer. “Yes, that would be no problem; she wants out, too,” the wife hater said.

“Divorcing her now is not a very wise thing to do,” the lawyer advised, conning his client. He then went on to explain his plan. If the man hated her so much, divorcing her would only make her happy. That was hardly a good way to get even. Going back home, he should do everything he could to make his wife love him. Be a perfect husband. “Then, after she is passionately in love with you, file for divorce.” Venomous hatred seething in his innards, the husband was ecstatic over this plan. He left the office with a cool determination to put it into effect immediately.

The end of the story is not hard to guess. When his wife responded in love to his generous, thoughtful behavior, he just wasn’t about to divorce her. They lived happily ever after.

The message is a powerful one. The kind of love that solidifies into the toughest bond of marriage is primarily characterized by Christ-likeness. If you cultivate your marital love in this way, the bond will be richer and stronger.

The biggest and most-watched sporting event of the year has hit America again – the Super Bowl. It is the ultimate convergence of popular culture and athletics. From the star-studded halftime show to the multi-million dollar commercial time slots, the spectacle is unprecedented in sports. Two football teams have worked and endured injuries since early summer to achieve their mid-winter dreams.

But what does this have to do with marriage? What do marriage and football have in common? Winning the Super Bowl of relationships (marriage) requires some of the same things required to win the Super Bowl of football. To win the Super Bowl, football teams must be focused on some key fundamentals of the game. Legendary Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi started every season with a team meeting and the same speech. Surrounded by veterans and rookies alike, he would hold a football high above his head so that each player could see it. With all eyes on him, he simply said: “Gentlemen, this is a football.” In only five words, Lombardi communicated his point – We’re going to start with the basics and make sure we’re executing all the fundamentals.

In marriage, it’s not enough to simply hope your marriage will be a life-long success. You must know the basics and make sure you are executing all the fundamentals of a great marriage. So, here are three fundamentals that can help you win the Super Bowl of relationships. To help you remember them, just think NFL.

N – Nurture a Shared Goal for Your Marriage

Everyone on the football team wants to win. They have a singular focus. They are committed to moving the ball in the same direction.

This shared goal and focus is a major ingredient of being a “team.” Dr. Howard Hendricks, a noted author and speaker, said that one of the things he learned from working with the Dallas Cowboys was the importance of the team. “When you are on a team,” he said, “you play off the strengths of your teammates. You don’t tackle the guys who wear the same color uniforms.”

To win the Super Bowl, football players work as a team. They help each other do their job. They double team and cover for each other. They work at getting along with each other on the field and off the field. When there is discord between players or coaches there will be trouble on the playing field. Discord blurs your vision of the goal.

To win the Super Bowl of relationships also requires a shared goal and a singular focus. An old man was asked why he chose his wife to be his wife. His response was, “She was the one I wanted to grow old with.” That’s a singular focus.

What is your goal in marriage? To have your own way? To win all the arguments? To have your every need met? Selfishness destroys football teams and marital teams.

Jesus spoke about the marriage goal…

“Haven’t you read…that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6)

Oneness – Unity – Bonded – Lasting a Lifetime.

 F – Fight for Your Marriage

Expectations are high at the beginning of the Super Bowl. Each team is confident that all will go their way. There will be setbacks – fumbles, interceptions, quarterback sacks, and penalties. The opposition will try to keep the other team from gaining yardage, scoring touchdowns, and ultimately from winning the game. There are people on and off the field fully committed to making sure the other team does not win.

Our marriages are worked out on the pressure-cooker fields of our lives. We have more than our share of daily stress. On top of career demands, there is a spouse to love, kids to raise, and perhaps aging parents to care for in their golden years. Marriages have been blown apart by unfulfilled and unrealistic expectations, unfortunate circumstances, and unwise choices.

You have to fight for your marriage daily. It begins with an all-out commitment to each other. Your marriage is bigger than any issue. You will stand together no matter what (or who) is lined up against you. Why? Because you promised.

A research study of more than 5,000 couples by the National Survey of Family and Households found that two-thirds of unhappy married spouses who stayed married reported their marriages were happy five years later. Researchers found that the couples that endured and overcame problems in their relationships found the strength to persevere because of their intense commitment to their marriages.

No marriage is perfect, but what are you going to do to protect what is good about your marriage from whatever opposition is coming at you?

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”
(1 Corinthians 13:7, New Living Translation)

L – Listen to the Coach

Winning football teams pay attention to the coach. He makes the rules. He gives the instructions. He knows what must be done to win. Even Brady and Manning need input from the coach. They need an outside perspective. A great coach knows it is about the team, not about him/her.

Who is coaching your marriage? Whose rules are you following? Who do you go to for an outside perspective?

Jesus is our marital Head Coach. He knows all about how to have successful relationships. His Word, the Bible, is our “play-book.” This is where the strategies for the game are written. There are offensive and defensive strategies. In the Bible, you find the dos and don’ts of a healthy relationship.

• Be kind and compassionate to one another. (Ephesians 4:32)
• Confess your sins to each other. (James 5:16)
• Don’t grumble against each other. (James 5:9)
• Do not lie to each other. (Colossians 3:9)
• Encourage one another. (Ephesians 4:32; 1 Thessalonians 4:18; Hebrews 3:13)
• Honor one another. (Romans 12:10)
• Love one another. (John 13:34)
• Offer kindness to one another. (1 Peter 4:9)
• Pray for each other. (James 5:16)
• Spur one another on toward love and good deeds. (Hebrews 10:24)
• Teach and admonish one another. (Colossians 3:16; Romans 15:14)

Our marriages are won or lost on our ability and willingness to carry out the coach’s game plan.

Marriage is indeed the Super Bowl of relationships. Winning football teams are unwavering and have an enduring commitment to reach their goal. Are you as determined to win the Super Bowl of relationships?

___________________________________

Discuss:  What are some other fundamentals of football that would help you win the Super Bowl of relationships?

Many people rarely think about improving their marriage unless it is in trouble. “People get so caught up in careers, raising kids and satisfying their own souls,” says Gloria Richfield, co-author of Together Forever, “that they forget their marriage needs to be fed too.” Over the years that I have been involved in marriage education and enrichment ministries I have observed that people take care of their marriages in ways similar to caring for their cars and trucks.

Preventive Maintenance – Like those who zealously perform the preventive maintenance rituals upon their cars, there are couples who focus creative energy on their marriage as a means of preventing trouble. A husband once told me that for 30 years he had made sure that his automobile’s oil was changed regularly, the tire pressure kept at factory specifications, and various fluid levels maintained according to the owner’s manual. However, it was not until after attending one of our marriage seminars that he realized he had neglected to keep his marriage running smoothly through regular check-ups. Couples who take this path will have intentional discussions about how their marriage is going, read books together on how to improve communication, spend time having fun, and attend marriage conferences and classes.

Warning Ticket – One night I was stopped in my car by a police officer because a headlight and the license plate light in the rear were burned out.  He gave me a warning ticket that stated I had a certain amount of time to correct the problem. I hoped to be able to make it home without being stopped again. No such luck! About 5 miles from the first stop and in a different town the now familiar flashing lights rolled up behind me.  When I showed the officer the warning ticket from the other town he laughed and said, “Must be a slow night.” As I drove away I wondered why I had not asked him to call ahead to the next town I would pass through and let them know I had already been warned – not once, but twice. I made it home and took steps to repair the broken lights before the next nightfall.

Some people don’t take the time to invest considerable energy in marital preventive maintenance. It’s the old adage, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” They just keep going about their own agendas until something happens to get their attention. It may be an argument that leads to abuse or a close call with sexual temptation or a health-related issue that causes one to refocus his or her priorities.  While not ideal, couples who wait until they are issued a warning ticket often will seek help. They will talk to a pastor or they will return to the positive patterns of relating or they will attend a marriage class to regain some footing.

Waiting to be Towed – Other people pay no attention to the preventive maintenance schedule of their cars, ignore the odd rumbling sounds coming from underneath, and are convinced they have an adequate fuel supply regardless of what the gauge reads. They often find themselves broken down by the side of the road or being towed into a service center. I’ve seen the same thing in marriage ministry. One spouse refuses to heed the warnings and lacks the motivation or interest in preventing trouble. The next thing you know they are being dragged into a counselor’s office or a marriage seminar as a means of repairing the problem. This is often costly, as it is when we neglect to take care of our cars. Years of neglect will require major changes in behavior and attitude.

You can save yourself a huge chunk of time and emotional energy trying to repair a big problem later on. A little preventive maintenance can make your marriage run smoother and be more fun in the years ahead.  Consider a few suggestions:

• Become your spouse’s biggest fan. Encourage him or her with your sincere words of appreciation and thankfulness on a daily basis.
• Carve out quantity time in your schedules to be together. Marital research tells us that anything that increases the amount of time a couple spends together will increase their level of marital satisfaction.
• Be kind to one another.  Small courtesies that were a regular part of the early years of marriage often fall by the wayside when other career and family demands come along.
• Become involved in a marriage class or couples Bible study that can help you keep your marriage fine-tuned. You may also want to attend a weekend marriage enrichment conference where you can spend significant time with each other talking about how to improve and protect the most important human relationship you have.

Cindi McMenamin (www.strengthforthesoul.com) suggests that you ask your spouse the following questions to help you set marriage enrichment goals for the coming year:

1. What did you most enjoy about our dating days?
2. What do you wish we could do as a couple that we rarely or no longer take the time to do?
3. What have you always wanted to do, as a couple, that we haven’t yet done?
4. Where would be the ideal getaway for you and I to go someday?
5. What, specifically, would you like to see us accomplish together in the next year?

Most married people will say that their marriage is important to them. The truth of that statement is seen in the care given to build a lasting marriage.

Question:  What are you doing this year to improve your marriage?

I am not against celebrating Christmas. In our home we exchange presents, listen to and sing Christmas songs, host and attend parties, ride around looking at the decorations, visit family members, and enjoy many of the other Christmas festivities.

However, as we are immersed in the “season to be jolly” you would have to agree that it is filled with unique challenges and temptations. During a season that is beginning earlier each year many individuals and families drift dangerously near insanity. Unpredictable and undisciplined emotions begin to run wild.

There is the nostalgia mixed with 11 months of guilt that can prompt purchases that are illogical and extravagant. Neighborhood pressure can cause houses to be strung with hundreds, even thousands, of those white twinkling lights. Television ads, Christmas clubs, and special “Wish Books” lead to the sound of the cash register or the near silent swipe of the credit card.

How will we avoid destroying the real reason for the season? My family and your family need a plan, a strategy that will enable us to survive Christmas in an emotionally charged atmosphere. We need a few guiding principles for finding peace in the midst of panic.

The first is to emphasize the eternal over the temporary. It is our Savior’s birth, not Santa’s that we are celebrating. I am not anti-presents. What I do favor is recognizing that the significance of giving presents is directly related to God presenting us the gift of His Son. Writing to the early Christians in Colosse, the Apostle Paul said “set your hearts on things above…set your minds on things above, not on earthly things” (Colossians 3:1-2). Christmas is about Christ and the eternal life He offers us!

Here’s another thought. Let’s spend more time imparting what we possess and forget about trying to impress others by what we buy. Christians represent the King. We are ambassadors for Christ, doing His business in season and out of season. Our families can be about His business this season, sharing the Good News of Jesus Christ in our neighborhoods through word and deed. Let’s impress people with the love of God instead of our purchasing power. I know of families who involve their children in thinking about creative ways of giving to others instead of thinking about what they want for Christmas. Maybe we could ask each other what do you want to give instead of what do you want to get.

Too many families get into financial trouble during Christmas. Please don’t spend more than you have. Before every purchase ask these questions: Is this within my budget? Is it appropriate? Is it really what I want to say to the recipient? Plan your purchases in order to stretch your dollars. For many of us, a safe rule is this: If you don’t have the cash – don’t buy it.

There is one more principle I think could help us. Let’s guard ourselves from getting built up for a letdown. One of the most effective maneuvers of a secularized Christmas is to create a false sense of excitement and expectation that all of our problems will disappear. We think every family gathering will be marked by peace and joy. The baby will not be sick. The cousins will share their presents. Uncle Joe will be sober. My spouse will buy just the right gift for me. We can be lulled into thinking that this Christmas a broken relationship will be restored, a fractured family will be healed, and all of our financial woes will dissolve. A better plan is to keep a firm hand on the controls. Be realistic. Don’t be deceived. Stay focused on Jesus as you fill your thoughts, desires, and expectations with His promises and presence.

You and I can survive Christmas! It starts by remembering that when the wrappings and ribbons are in the trash can, the manger scene is back in the storage box, the friends and family have said goodbye, and the house feels kind of empty and so do we…there is one who waits to fill our hearts and renew our hope.

Question:  What are you doing to “survive” this Christmas?

The stress of a chronic illness can be challenging to a marriage, even when two people have been deeply in love for decades. Just knowing that they will live their entire lives (except for a healing miracle) having to cope with the ravages of a disease – such as multiple sclerosis, cancer, lupus, heart disease, depression, chronic fatigue syndrome, and a host of others – is an enormous burden to carry. They constantly deal with questions like these:

• How do I juggle my needs with the needs of my chronically ill spouse?
• How can I fight feelings of inadequacy and guilt?
• Am I a burden to my spouse?
• How do I keep it together for my spouse who has a chronic illness?
• What do I do when I find myself thinking, “This is more than I bargained for?”

Willie & Cindy Batson

Cindy and I are well acquainted with these thoughts and feelings. Twenty-one years ago she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, an auto-immune disease that has progressively disabled her to the point of spending most of her waking hours in a wheelchair. We wrestle with the challenges this chronic illness presents daily in our marriage.

(Read what I wrote about this experience here.)

Most marriage ministries are not focused on the unique needs of couples with chronic illnesses. God is calling us to reach out to those facing these stressors in their relationships. There are limited resources and expertise to guide them on those occasions when they hit major relational road blocks. One spouse said, “I can’t tell you how many times we’ve been met with the ‘deer in the headlights’ look when the discussion turns to how my chronic illness may be playing a role.”

This urgent need was apparent last April at a large men’s conference where I spoke on how to make your marriage work when your spouse has a chronic illness – physical, mental, or emotional. A small room with 35 chairs was assigned. I wondered if anyone would come. Ten minutes before the seminar, I walked into a room overflowing with guys in every chair, sitting on the floor, and standing against the walls. There were more than 60 men there! A room filled with husbands whose wives are living with life-changing and life-threatening illnesses. They longed to know how to navigate this journey with courage, understanding, and compassion. Afterwards, they stood in line to tell their stories and ask the raw, candid questions that could only be asked in that room. Cindy was moved deeply by the comments and tears of men who communicated their gratitude to her for suggesting this seminar topic.

These are couples that are in need of help and not everyone can do this type of ministry. Not everyone can speak into their hearts and marriages the way we can. God has given us a distinctive gift and opportunity and that is why we are initiating this new ministry focus in 2012. With God’s help, we will achieve the following:

· Provide weekend marriage enrichment events specifically for couples with a chronic illness. Because a couple’s finances are impaired by extraordinary medical and living costs, we will need to underwrite a large portion of the expenses for these events.

· Reproduce ourselves by equipping couples globally with the tools to help others living with chronic health issues in their churches and communities.

· Expand our online seminar offerings to include specific issues related to marriage and sickness.

· Partner with national organizations such as the National MS Society, Joni and Friends, and Rest Ministries to provide marriage relationship education and training to couples within their associations.

Your financial and prayer support now will help us reach this special group of couples before they become part of that heartbreaking and horrific 75% divorce statistic. Cindy and I are passionate about doing our part, with God’s help, so couples on this challenging journey can be more effective servants of God, minister to others, and proclaim the transforming power of the gospel of Jesus Christ!

Thank you for prayerfully considering a generous donation to this new outreach at Family Builders Ministries before the end of the year. As we celebrate 25 years of ministry in 2012, Cindy and I will continue to invest our energies in serving all couples, but with a special emphasis on those with chronic health issues.

Myth #1:  Marriage is the key to a fulfilled and happy life.

The key to a fulfilled life is a growing, vibrant relationship with God who created you. Seeking to gain fulfillment through any other means, including marriage to a loving partner, is futile. If you think of marriage as the key to your personal fulfillment, what you’re really doing is demanding that your spouse make you happy.Depending on someone else to make you happy and fulfilled is unfair to both of you.  This attitude will eventually lead to resentment on the part of both spouse.

Myth #2:  Happiness is the main purpose of marriage.

The main purpose of marriage is to glorify God by demonstrating a self-sacrificing love and commitment to each other. If you think that God invented marriage as a means of making us happy, then it’s easy to walk away from a marriage that doesn’t make you happy.  God wants us to work together to overcome whatever problems might be causing a couple to be unhappy with each other. No relationship is happy all the time.

Myth #3:  My commitment to Christ will guarantee that my marriage will work.

God doesn’t force people to respond to each other in a godly manner. Just because you are a Christian doesn’t guarantee that your spouse will be one or act like one. It take two people to make a marriage work.

Myth #4:  If our relationship takes hard work, we must not be right for each other.

Some people think that good relationships happen spontaneously. The truth is that anything that looks effortless generally takes a great deal of work. Watching pairs ice skating looks so easy. What we see is the result of days, weeks, months, and years of practice that went into perfecting the routine. Marriages may be made in heaven, but the details are work out on earth. Old-fashioned hard work and perseverance are major elements of a lasting marriage.  Once we marry, we are all very hard to live with.

Myth #5:  My spouse can and should meet most, if not all, of my needs.

God has created us in such a way that no one person can meet all or most of our needs.  We need a relationship with God, we need interdependent friendships outside of marriage, we need hobbies, exercise, etc. This kind of expectation develops a performance-based marriage where if my spouse doesn’t meet all my needs then I am disappointed.

Myth #6:  If my spouse and I don’t always feel love for each other, that means our relationship is in trouble.

Love is more than a feeling.  Feelings of romance come and go. The deeper aspects of true love transcend feelings and have more to do with commitment than emotion.

QUESTION: What other myths have you heard about marriage? What myths did you believe when you got married (or still do!)?

Protecting Your Marriage in Stormy Weather
(BGMFPOD-004)

You don’t have to be married long before stormy weather attempts to capsize your marriage boat. God is gracious and does not often allow couples to experience the same kind of suffering as Job did in the Bible. However, he does allow measured doses of trouble at sovereignly ordained intervals. The storms are different for each couple, but no less demanding. What can a couple do to protect their marriage in the middle of a storm?

Note:  You may listen to this episode now or download it free to your computer or other device. To save it to your device, right click on “Download” and choose the appropriate “Save As” option. You can also download the file from the iTunes Store for free.

Married with Children
(BGMFPOD-003)

Being married with children requires greater determination than many of us expected.  It changes your life in many ways – both in being a blessing and a challenge.

The need to maintain a satisfying relationship with your spouse while raising children is enormous. Marriages advance through an assortment of developmental stages.  Each stage is characterized by certain tasks that need to be performed in order to maintain health and focus.  Keeping your marriage alive during the years of raising children will require no less than your full commitment to performing these tasks.

Note:  You may listen to this episode now or download it free to your computer or other device. To save it to your device, right click on “Download” and choose the appropriate “Save As” option. You can also download the file from the iTunes Store for free.

Years ago, our family spent a day in Washington, D.C. as part of our summer vacation. Not wanting anything to go wrong, I decided to drive toward Arlington Cemetery the night before to scout out the area where I would be parking the car. Everything went fine. I was now ready to lead us into our new adventure.

The next day I moved out into the rush-hour traffic with an abundance of confidence that my prearranged plans were flawless. Nearing our destination, I merged into the turning lane only to discover that someone had placed brightly colored wooden barriers in my path. “Where did those things come from? They weren’t there last night!” The next thing I knew, the Lincoln Memorial, which had only been an intriguing structure in photographs, was directly in front of me. I was now driving into what the travel books described as hostile territory for first-time visitors.

Barriers have a way of popping up unexpectedly in many areas of our journey through life. Marriage is no exception. In our quest for the intimate marriage — a relationship where there is a sense of being unconditionally accepted, valued, understood, and appreciated – barriers spring up to deter us. They cool the fires of a warm and glowing relationship.

One prime barrier to intimacy is busyness. The pressures and responsibilities of our world can easily snare us into what Howard Hendricks calls “marriage morbidity” — living together without closeness. As we scurry about to accomplish the mundane, we begin to take each other for granted. A marriage will fall apart if the only time the couple sees each other is when they are worn out. Chuck Swindoll wrote, “Busyness rapes relationships. It substitutes shallow frenzy for deep friendship. It feeds the ego but starves the inner man. It fills a calendar but fractures a family.”

To overcome this barrier you must first evaluate your priorities in life. The “busyness barrier” is usually the result of our pursuit after materialism, prominence, and the selfish desires of the flesh. What are your priorities in life? What is important to you? How do the choices you make reflect your values?

Monitoring the level of involvement in activities outside the family will help to keep busyness in check.  Participating in activities with other people is a healthy component of our development as mature individuals. However, over involvement can strip you of precious time and energy that should be directed toward your marriage. I suggest you include plenty of time for activities that bring you and your mate together, rather than fragment your relationship. Developing areas of commonality will result in a growing intimacy.

Jay Kesler, a popular speaker and leader of Youth for Christ, discovered there was not enough time for his work, his marriage, his children, and personal leisure time. The result was that certain activities (such as golf, which takes hours away from home) were impossible at that time in his life. He decided to spend his personal time at home where he was close to his wife and family. He did gardening and yard work with his wife. Woodworking projects were done in his home shop in small snatches of time or alongside his son.

Planning time together is crucial to developing intimacy. When you are busy, there is a tendency to overlook the important people in your life. One couple in a marriage seminar said that they mark out time for each other on their calendars. This can be done on a weekly or monthly basis. Another couple reserves the same day or night each week for a planned time together. Some couples wash dishes together as they share their thoughts and life events. Others rise early in the morning to spend private moments together.

The health of your marriage is vitally important. Overcome the barriers to an intimate marriage by taking the time to know each other. Make yourself busy building an intimate relationship with your spouse. That is pleasing to the Lord.

QUESTION: What are you doing to keep your marriage fresh?

Tools for Great Relationships
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Every couple enters marriage with their own bag of tools, but is often frustrated by their attempts at fixing things. They either have the wrong tools or do not use the tools properly. Having the right tools in your relational tool bag and using them properly can help you build and sustain a great relationship. In this edition, Willie Batson looks at what he considers to be a few basic tools you should have in your relationship tool bag.

Note:  You may listen to this episode now or download it free to your computer or other device. To save it to your device, right click on “Download” and choose the appropriate “Save As” option. You can also download the file from the iTunes Store for free.

1. Everybody helps everybody…always, in whatever ways are needed.
2. Remember, “please” and “thank you” are not just good manners; they’re the calling cards of a grateful heart.
3. Have a lot of fun, just not at the expense of anyone else.
4. Eat as many meals together as possible as a family. Your kids will be less likely to engage in risky behavior and will get better grades in school.
5. Guard the morals and integrity of everyone around you. Be sensitive about how you communicate, what you view, and whom you bring into the family circle.

Let’s talk…what do you think of these or what would you add?

*This list is adapted from Raising Kids for True Greatness, by Dr. Tim Kimmel.

Raising Moral Kids (BGMFPOD-001)

Strategies for helping parents raise moral kids.

Note:  You may listen to this episode now or download it free to your computer or other device. To save it to your device, right click on “Download” and choose the appropriate “Save As” option. You can also download the file from the iTunes Store for free.

A woman had gone through four marriages. First, she married a millionaire, then she married a film producer, then she married a butler, and then she married a funeral director. Somebody asked, “Why did you marry all of those guys?”  She said, “Well I married 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to go!”

That story makes me chuckle every time I read it. However, the reality of multiple marriages and divorces is no laughing matter. The consequences of divorce have invaded every bracket and strata of our national life. Moreover, our Christian families are not immune. Many who are experiencing this tragedy today never dreamed it would happen to them.

A divorce is the public, legal declaration of the death and disintegration of a relationship. It is the tearing apart of two people who have become one. Doris Mae Golberg captures the devastating effect of this division here:

I have lost my husband, but I am not supposed to mourn.
I have lost my children; they don’t know to whom they belong.
I have lost my relatives; they do not approve.
I have lost his relatives; they blame me.
I have lost my friends; they don’t know how to act.
I feel I have lost my church; do they think I have sinned too much?
I am afraid of the future,
I am ashamed of the past,
I am confused about the present.
I am so alone,
I feel lost.
God please stay by me,
You are all I have left.

My heart breaks for those who must grapple daily with the catastrophic fallout of divorce. No easy solutions exist for the pain and alienation that result. One thing of which I am convinced: the church must provide a healing environment of love, acceptance, and forgiveness to those who are living in the after math of marital death.

I am also convinced that we who are married must do all that is possible to prevent the demise of our relationships. Some discord in marriage is inevitable. There is conflict in the best of families. Nevertheless, we can guard against the heartbreak of a domestic tragedy as we follow a few simple guidelines.

• Happiness and contentment in marriage will be determined largely by the degree to which each partner simultaneously works for success. Marital success is never automatic and never accidental. It is more than the gift of God. It is the achievement of a couple that diligently desires success and dedicates their energies to that end.
• A couple that works through their inevitable difficulties and trials will greatly increase their marital prosperity. We fall on our faces when we fail to anticipate the certainty of relational difficulties or fail to respond properly to those difficulties. Your response will either drive you apart or bind you together. Success is attainable when you move through these periods without rejecting or withdrawing from your spouse.
• Successful married couples accept the imperfections of their spouses and pray for God’s forgiveness and grace to help. The Bible pointedly proclaims, without apology, that we all fall short to some degree (Romans 3:10, 23). Each of us has married someone who stumbles in many ways. Marital triumph is assured as you accept the humanity and fallenness of your spouse, and pray for God’s grace and help for both of you.
• A companion to the previous principle is that successful couples practice forgiveness as the technique for dealing with offenses in marriage. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 NIV). To forgive is to choose to refuse to cultivate feelings of hostility. It is a deliberate decision to put away resentment or punishment. Forgiveness is not impossible. To say, “I can’t forgive you” really means “I won’t forgive you.”  Forgiving your partner diffuses the conflict and builds a marriage that lasts.

The death of a marriage can be prevented.

Question:  What are you doing today to bring joy into the life of the one whom you have chosen as a lifelong companion?

Me and My Daddy

My 88-year-old father passed away peacefully at his home in North Carolina on July 25. Cindy and I were able to get there four days before he died, giving us some time with him. When he took his last breath he was surrounded by those who loved him and whom he loved dearly.

Speaking at his memorial service, I recounted three things that Daddy left me as his legacy.

1. A good work ethic. By his example he taught me that it is important to provide for your family even if you have to take on side jobs to make it happen.
2. Enjoy the simple things. Fancy restaurants were no match for fish camps, the Golden Corral buffet, or Mama’s country cooking. He enjoyed sitting by his pond with a fishing pole and just puttering around with cars and trucks.
3. Value family relationships. Daddy loved being with his family, always making time for visits. He had a hard time understanding why I didn’t relocate to North Carolina so we’d be there more often. I never doubted his love for me – a love that was unconditional.

I now know what it’s like to lose a parent to death, something I’ve watched others go through but never knew how they felt. I will miss seeing him at his place at the kitchen table the next time I go home, but I know he rests from his labors and waits for the resurrection when we will be reunited.

“Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words.” – 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (NIV)

Question:  What is the legacy of your parents?

“My grace is sufficient for you.”
2 Corinthians 12:9

In the first post on this topic, I list several ways to build grace into your marriage relationship. I call them building blocks and they correspond to each letter in the word “GRACE.” So far, I have covered four of them:

G – Give thanks for your spouse.

R – Respond in love to your spouse.

A – Adjust to your spouse’s unique personality.

C – Care about your spouse when he/she hurts.

The fifth building block of GRACE is:

E – ERASE all offenses.

In a Christian marriage/family we are called upon to focus on grace rather than revenge. Even in the moments of anger, betrayal, exasperation, and hurt, we are called to pursue our spouse, to embrace them, and to grow toward them. We must let God’s love and grace in us, directed toward our spouse, redefine our feelings and frustrations and even hate.

One of the key spiritual lessons we learn in Christian marriage & family is the discipline of forgiveness. This is how we can focus on grace rather than revenge.

• Ephesians 4:31-32 … “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

There are many good reasons to practice forgiving love in marriage. Here they are:

1. Jesus commanded us to do so. “If you hold anything against anyone, forgive him” (Mark 11:25).
2. Not doing so hinders your relationship with God; it puts you out of fellowship with Him. “Forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” (Mark 11:25).
3. You forgive because you have personally experienced God’s grace and forgiveness. “Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?” (Matthew 18:33)
4. To forgive is a powerful way to be like Jesus. “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

Choosing grace and forgiveness will keep bitterness, revenge and anger from destroying you and your spouse. It is not the easy path, but it is the path of GRACE.

CONCLUSION

Our ability to exercise grace in our homes is because of God’s great promise that His grace is sufficient:

• Sufficient to save your marriage from whatever threatens to weaken or destroy it.
• Sufficient to shape and mold you into the person and spouse you need to be to serve Him and your family.
• Sufficient to see you through any trial you will ever face or any need you will ever experience, whatever this life and our common enemy (Satan) might throw at you.

When our focus is on God’s grace, our marriages & families have the potential to thrive and not merely survive – to be great marriages & families for God’s glory.

“My grace is sufficient for you.”
2 Corinthians 12:9

In the first post on this topic, I list several ways to build grace into your marriage relationship. I call them building blocks and they correspond to each letter in the word “GRACE.” So far, I have covered the first three:

G – Give thanks for your spouse.

R – Respond in love to your spouse.

A – Adjust to your spouse’s unique personality.

The fourth building block of GRACE is:

C – CARE about your spouse when he/she hurts.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:  If one falls down, his friend can help him up!” - Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

A marriage relationship (or any relationship) with a person who shows no care or concern can be worse than being alone in life. As the writer of Ecclesiastes acknowledges, two people who care for each other in respectful and practical ways experience a greater fulfillment in their lives.

Here are some practical ways in which you show your spouse you care:

1. Give your undivided attention to your spouse when they are talking to you.
2. Respond with affection, understanding, and support.
3. Pray for your spouse when he/she is having a difficult day at work or home.
4. Validate his/her feelings. You don’t have to understand them or agree with them. Just acknowledge them!
5. Take your spouse’s side when it seems that life is unfair. A lecture may not be appropriate at that time.

Caring involves a level of empathy. Walt Whitman wrote, “I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I become the wounded person.”  That’s empathy – actually feeling what the other person feels.

The effect of mutual empathy in marriage/family is staggering. Research has shown that 90 percent of our misunderstandings would be resolved if we did nothing more than see that issue from the other person’s perspective. Les & Leslie Parrott wrote:

“When you accurately see any situation from another’s point of view, when you can experience it like they do, you instantly take a different approach to it“.

Caring can be hindered by anger, bitterness, or resentment. I’ll cover that in the next installment of this series.

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• Personal Reflection: I could demonstrate more empathy for my spouse in the following way(s)…

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(c) 2010 William Batson

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“My grace is sufficient for you.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

In the first post on this topic, I list several ways to build grace into your marriage relationship. I call them building blocks and they correspond to each letter in the word “GRACE.” So far, I have covered the first two:

G – Give thanks for your spouse.

R – Respond in love to your spouse.

The third building block of GRACE is:

A – Adjust to your spouse’s unique personality.

“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you,
in order to bring praise to God.” – Romans 15:7

Lisa loves her husband, Rick, but some of his personality traits make it extremely hard for her to live with him. She says, “I knew what he was like before I married him. I just thought that marriage would somehow change him. I felt he would treat me in a different way when I became his wife. After all, he said he loved me. I figured I could change him. Why can’t he be like the husband he should be?” Lisa reminds me of the woman who went to her pastor to complain about her marriage. She said, “I married the ideal, but I got an ordeal. Now, I want a new deal!” (Excerpted from my book, Tools for a Great Marriage, page 73.)

Many of us have the same frustration. You love your spouse dearly, but find it hard to live with the way he or she sometimes thinks and acts. Why are we so different? Here are a few reasons:

• We were raised in different homes with different parents and siblings, maybe even different cultural influences were involved.
• We were influenced by different friends and life experiences. No two people go down exactly the same path in life and those experiences and people influence how we approach life.
• Our different educational, church, and personal experiences with God, all have a big influence on that which we value and decide is important to us.
• Because of our earlier experiences, we’ve formed different expectations concerning how we approach situations. Many of them, we didn’t even realize we held until something or someone (like our spouse) bumps into them and they come to the surface.
• We have been created uniquely different by God with different temperaments and DNA (which influences us as well).
• We have hormone and testosterone differences that influence us daily (and sometimes minute-by-minute).

Your spouse is different from you, and those differences can sometimes really irk you. They can drive a wedge between the two of you and destroy the closeness you expect from your relationship. What seemed like minor quirks at first can become major points of discord in your day-to-day living.

The critical issue in building a great relationship is not the compatibility of your personalities or behavioral styles. Rather, it is the commitment to understanding and adjusting to the one your heart loves.

Robert Anderson observes that “in every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, the grounds for marriage.”

John Fischer says:  “The success of a marriage comes not in finding the right person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married. Some people never make this adjustment, becoming trapped in the endless search after an image that doesn’t exist.”

Adjusting to meet your spouse’s needs does not mean that you try to become a different person. You are not forsaking your true identity. You are voluntarily adjusting your behavior to meet your spouse’s needs in order to build a mutually satisfying relationship.

• Personal Reflection: I could be more accepting of my spouse in the following way(s)…

(c) 2010 William Batson

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“My grace is sufficient for you.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

In the first post on this topic, I list several ways to build grace into your marriage relationship. I call them building blocks and they correspond to each letter in the word “grace.” Here’s the first one:

G – Give thanks for your spouse. – A grace-based spouse will cultivate an attitude of gratitude in his/her marriage. Your spouse may not be perfect, but neither are you (nor am I).

The second building block of GRACE is:

R – Respond in love to your spouse.

What is your first response to your spouse when he or she seems to be attacking or challenging you? Perhaps you put up the deflector shield of anger and respond with harsh words of anger and intimidation. Or maybe you retreat into your hardened shell of self-protection, refusing to engage your spouse.

Grace responds with the kind of love depicted in the “love chapter” of the Bible:

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, New Living Translation)

When you look closely at this passage, you can learn several things about this holy kind of love:

• It is an active love – something you do. Scholars have pointed out that this kind of love is not mere emotion, but an act of the will, a decision you make in spite of your emotions.
• It is premeditated – you have a choice. You can decide ahead of time that you will not let your spouse’s actions and comments cause you to become irritable. You will choose another response. You can decide ahead of time to not hold grudges for the things done to you yesterday.
• It is observable – people notice it. Because this deep kind of love is an action, people know when you are rude, kind, or jealous. People know whether your love for them is genuine.

Grace also chooses to respond in love when loving your spouse is not particularly satisfying. It’s easy to love someone who is good to you, shows kindness daily, and responds to your loving words or actions with the same love. You love them “because” of what they do.

Gary Thomas (writing in Devotions for a Sacred Marriage) confronts this style of loving with this challenge:

Will you love only “because”? Or are you willing to love “anyway”? Will you love a man or woman who doesn’t appreciate your sacrifice on his or her behalf? Will you love a husband or wife who takes you for granted? Will you love a spouse who isn’t nearly as kind to you as you are to him or her?

Almost every faithless marriage is based on “because” love. Christians are called to “anyway” love. That’s what makes us different.

What a refreshing concept in our self-centered culture! When we love each other “anyway”, we are modeling God’s love in our marriages – an enduring love based in grace. He loves us even when we ignore him and take for granted his boundless grace and mercy. He doesn’t like it, but he continues to love us. To love “anyway” is to love like God.

The only way that you can respond in love when you are in the center of difficult times is by being faithful to God, to His Word, and to your spouse. No matter how many times you may blow it, God’s grace in you and your marriage will bring you through.

Personal Reflection: One way I can demonstrate love to my spouse is…

(c) 2010 William Batson

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“My grace is sufficient for you.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

In my previous post on this topic I listed several ways to build grace into your marriage relationship. I call them building blocks and they correspond to each letter in the word “grace.” Here’s the first one:

G – Give thanks for your spouse.

A grace-based spouse will cultivate an attitude of gratitude in his/her marriage. Your spouse may not be perfect (and neither are you), but do you begin your day with a thankful heart for your spouse?

The Apostle Paul began his letter to the Corinthian Christians with these words…

• “I always thank God for you because of his grace given you in Christ Jesus” (1 Corinthians 1:4)

Notice the word “always.” They must have been a wonderful group of people, right? Well, not exactly. You don’t have to read much further beyond this verse before you discover that they were jealous of each other, dividing into various factions, taking each other to court, excusing immoral behavior among them, and sullying the observance of the Lord’s Supper. However, Paul was able to find something about them for which to be thankful – the presence of God’s grace in their lives.

It’s easy to be negative in marriage, focusing on the weaknesses and shortcomings of each other. This makes it even more necessary that you intentionally focus on your spouse’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words. Consider this admonition from the Bible…

• “Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving (Ephesians 5:4).

If we fail to cultivate gratitude we will give birth to contempt in our marriages. Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about your spouse (see more about this in Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman). Signs of contempt include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. According to Gottman, contempt is poisonous to a marriage because it conveys disgust.

Contempt is conceived when you have unrealistic expectations of your spouse and your marriage. Love and respect are conceived with expressions of gratitude. We can choose which one we will obsess over – expectations or thanksgivings. That choice will result in a birth – and the child will be named either contempt or respect.

We all need to remember that when we first met and fell in love we did not say:  “I hate you and you hate me, so let’s get married.” The same person each of us met and married is still there, even though at a particular moment, it doesn’t seem that way. In the difficult times, the spouse you married and love is still there.

• Personal Reflection: I thank God for my spouse because…

© 2010 William Batson

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